An Idiot's Guide To Becoming Human

my little composition book,
it's so frail compared to the paper i rip
apart, trying to forget your hands on me,
it's really something else.
i'm so dull compared to the rest of the panel.
they have husbands and wives, i'm so out of place.
they have kids and the every day thing,
i can't compare.
i'm alone and looked down upon.
"oh, (pity)" and (whatever)"
it isn't sincere. they use it
to make themselves feel better about marrying young,
i think.
not that
i think they shouldn't
have done it.
cuz i had a really fun time at
their
wedding.

you've been lodged in my mind for too long.
never meant to, never had any reservations,
not like the kind you'd plan out for, no way,
nothing like that, just happened to careen come crashing
from heaven, it's dust, it's all dust
now there's a crater i don't think you'd like
to take credit for, but i'll ship it your way,
to whom it may concern, i tried to fix your voice,
it came out crooked and it pierced my receivers
on impact, first contact, new noise.
i'm suddenly incapable of repairing this device.
is it me? i guess, yeah i guess, it is.
what else are you gonna blame it on, love?
chew gravel for a long time,
kick rocks for the same time,
bite dust only one time,
get burnt for eternity,
glow bright for infinity,
scald every passenger you see,
engulf the universe and me.
just end. just end. just end.

you're a mess
and you gave me some awful marks
i tried my best
and what happened
back to your habits
like the bluest of mornings
you'll come and never let us down
why didn't you do that for me?
i really
i really
i really
i really
thought it was something else
empty the pale sky all over me
and recover from an ashed sabbath
i'm tired
you're writhing
get over the barbed wire
and sing.
i need the bluest of mourning
to play from your bruised machine
so once and for all
these stitches can mean eternity.
devour all you knew
i'm digging a new
grave where i've
saved a spot for you.

the 22nd of loneliness and we don't talk like we used to do.
i miss your incessant bitching and verbal brutality.
i kept giving love until the day you pushed me into the dirt and decided to piss on me.
yeah, i guess i'm a masochist.
so i creep. yeah, i kept it on the down-low cuz nobody is supposed to know.
but i was so bad at keeping things under wraps.
you were so loud and i was trying my best to not let your boyfriend find out,
but when he did, he never saw that crack to the jaw or that knee to the groin.
i didn't mean for it to get ugly, but what did you expect to happen when you invited me to your "going away party" darling?
in all fairness, he struck first and had no idea what he was getting into.
who uses a champagne bottle as a weapon? really?
didn't he graduate from one of the most prestigious universities in the country?
what did they teach him there? i'm lucky he didn't grab the butter knife, i guess.
i hope, and i really do mean this, that he recovers fast and you guys can continue to buttfuck in the privacy of your own home, where we already did every vile act in the fucking handbook, without any setbacks.
anyways,
i didn't think i would be leaving the country so soon.
not under these conditions.
not like this.
i hope the wedding is beautiful,
and tell your dad, if you invite him, that i always liked the cut of his jib.
thanks for nothing.
-
milo.

you stocked up on rags
are you flailing for me,
no, you're not complete
no, you're still brooding,
now it's broken and you see
i got a belly full of storm
and you take that as the normal sign
of how we should be.
i can't stomach this
i can't ride it
i'm not sure of anything now
i can't stomach this
i can't write through this
i'm not sure i'm not sure
of anything now.
there's a pulse i used to need
i used to beg for it to shine
just a little sign of how i thought
i knew you'd still be alive
now it crumbles and erupts
in the middle of the night
i'm not sure i'm not sure of anything now
i can't force this
i can't bite this this time
i'm not even a writer
i'm not sure if there's anything left inside
it all revealed itself
shudder,
now feel the earth slip away
it's forever now
crumble
and feel the earth slip away
you've been shaken
you've been shaken
from the very base that held you up
you've been taken
you've been swept
from everything you ever knew about her.

"you should turn here"
"but there is nothing here"
"you're the one who's hungry"
"you haven't eaten all day, how could you not be"
"i lost my appetite"
"for the whole day"
"no, i lost it on the ride here"
"you could have driven you know"
"i hate driving in this city"
"where am i going?"
"i told you i'm not the one who's hungry"
"so you're just gonna sit there and watch me eat"
"i might just stay in here and wait"
"that's ridiculous"
"maybe i'll get a salad"
"so now i have to go someplace that has salads"
"go where ever you want to go"
"do you want a salad?"
"no."
"i'll go to a place with good salads"
"you don't live here, how would you know"
"tell me where to go and i'll go there."
"i'm not even hungry."
"you're gonna be starving later and there's no food at home."
"maybe i'll go to the groceries later."
"when?"
"later."
"it's already 830."
"i'll go when i get hungry."
"so you don't want to see that movie in an hour?"
"i'll eat there, if we go."
"what? popcorn?"
"i hate popcorn." "you hate popcorn."
"should i just go to the store now and you can get whatever you want and we'll cook at home and then go to the movie later?"
"hold on," (PHONE RINGS)...
"Who was that?"
"None of your business."
"Seriously."
"It was my mother"
"Is she alright?"
"She wants me to come over."
"Is everything okay?"
"She invited me to come over for dinner."
"Guess I'll hit up Taco Bell and drive you home."
"You're coming with me."
"She invited me?"
"Of course!"
"You didn't say that, you said she invited you."
"You think she wouldn't invite you?"
"I didn't say that, I didn't know she was inviting the both of us"
"You act like she hates you or something."
"I'm not acting like anything, I didn't know if she just wanted you to go over, for like a family thing or if it was cool if I came along and I don't think she hates me..."
"Even if it was a family thing, why wouldn't you be invited?"
"I don't know. Is that such a crazy concept?"
"How long have we been together?"
"Six months."
"Don't you think she would have figured it out yet?"
"It's not that long of a time."
"I can't believe you..."
"What?"
"When are you going to start taking this seriously?"
"I do take this seriously."
"I'm not some girl who you met on the road..."
"jesus."
"...who you can get rid of when you decide that you're not ready to grow up."
(the pregnant pause swelling in the 2004 the honda accord was brewing another typical outcome to the volatile conversations between Mason and Miranda. Oftentimes the two would find themselves in quarrel between 3 and 5 minutes after she picked him up from the airport. Today was no exception.)
"I should have called a cab."
"I hate you."

locked deep in your heart
there's a wicked man
he looks a lot like you
he doesn't talk like you
he'll hunt her down
keep your hands off my angel

i'm leaving town with blood on my hands
don't know when i'll kill again
i walked away with her head on my chest
lord knows when i'll feed again

angel
keep your wings clean
don't get near him
when he isn't me
angel
until his eyes go red to blue
keep your thoughts as pure as gold
cuz he can read your mind
and his head ain't right
before the fever leaves our home
pray for his salvation
beware he'll say he means no harm
that's just how he lures you in

i'm leaving town with blood on my hands
don't know when i'll feed again
i'm walking away with her last breath
keep your hands off mine.

color me red she said the fangs were fed
you're coming down from the weekend
what if you begged for it?
i'd still hate your voice when it turns to claws on the window
where you watch me
there is no peace unless i'm stabbing in the dark
color me red you get the brick to the head
you're playing dead in the deep-end
sink warm fang on soft skin
i'm caught between your grinding teeth in a naked alley
i'll forever hold my war in a miscarried tune
my callous trigger happy ego wants to push the button
for i stocked a barren womb with ungrateful bombs
bring me your misery,
i wanna show you how to love someone.
cut the strands so gracefully
they lead you to the hanging tree
where you could be found spread the loss like cough/kiss/cough
give up, get up, and run away with it.
i can't believe your fiction wasn't well received
you are the master of my useless passion
you won your loss you put the nails in your cross
you wear disaster like ironic fashion
get up and run away with it.
you watched me climbed a jealous braid to stalk the empty graves you dug
in your mind's landscape
i'll forever hold this war like a bastard on my doorstep.

we crawled out of the ooze
to conduct the new finale
we forged through an ocean of debris
to get our claws on our maker
before the others could put him to sleep
then we fed on the blood of the weak
with a rabid knife
we fucked on, in the glow of the bomb
we cloned new pets
with celebrity skin
it's not your fault you bred the new plague
just human error
lean in and weep
oh don't weep, don't weep, don't weep,
you made this, you made this,
now bask in it.
we're ushering in the nightmare
it's here,
and i hope you can swim.
if we don't make it in this life
there's always oblivion

streets spill eternal

we stretch for miles
and miles,
like scars
on the face of
the earth.

i wanna ask you before you fade away again
just one question and then i'll let you go
there's nothing behind your smile anymore
vanished like tucson city snow
where did it go?
it's in the mountains and all around me
it's in the city and all around you
it's not in your heart anymore

i'd like to think i could make you smile again
without roses, without money i'd make your day
you said you loved me on the train we took uptown
then you vanished like the sun in berlin
where did you go?
i hear you laughing but you're not here with me
i see you dancing in my favorite dream
i feel your hand in mine when i cross the street
is it not in your heart anymore?

you should've watched
where you slept
there's no use
you've been set
to do that thing
that you hate
become every boring mistake
i could ever make.

second hand
makes a cross
ask me how
you ever lived through the night
what a con
'cept it works
when the blood don't come
i'll come
to stitch you up

the shakes and me don't make a good fit
i don't think i got the eyes to match yours
my memory traded places with the landfill that ate away at your heart.

x marks your tracks
you travel with the gust
drained puncture on necks
i'm violating terms
never get close can't help it
i'm weak
can't trust you
i leave for one week
sore loss no one's even played yet
it's always the last day that stabs the worse
give me your strobes
all i could ever need
white turntable playing devil's hymn
hand in glove something unmistakably brit
shouldn't you sleep
coffin the tub up so you leave for a week
it's survival
natural plan
i'll help you kill them
no thanks, just strobes
no heat, just strobes
i leave for one week
black eyed for holiday
it takes so much for me to not be a thief.

the music was wrong but the headshots were clean
i just need you to make believe
i can't step i can't believe you were the one bereaved
i'm stable on the mount, leaning close over the chasm
i can see you waiting for me
i can see you waiting down there for me
i'm graceful on account of the bandadges and spasms
there's a gift at the end if you divide my crimes
keep it down the tusk makes me too proud
there's a gift at the end if you ignore my prints
all over downtown all over downtown
i'll dig it in i think the tusk makes you loud
from now and on to forever
your unsolved equation
perfect mystery
i can still see you waiting down there for me.

blank age racing towards dim bloom
cure me phantoms park in the alley
the stairs hurt but the street broke my fall
wake her wake her wake her wake her
your scent changed while i was locked in the trunk
cure me vermin bark in the alleyway
i feel you dreaming burning like dry ice
wake her wake her wake her wake her wake her wake her wake her

i could wait till you show your weakness
forever, then strike
stay poised resign the deep end
thrill you and go numb

body doesn't quake no more
body doesn't quake no more
body doesn't quake no more

your tone changed while i was stitched to the velvet
fear me dead hero left toothless in the driveway
i hate you speaking like blackboard claws
wake her wake her wake her wake her wake her wake her wake her

For whatever reason, travel is not easy for me. Time travel, i mean. It's such a bitch. Especially when you use a phone booth.

I'm in the vegas airport. It's an alright airport. It's raining a bit. I'm heading to burbank for some reason. I feel like i'm covered in filth, i don't know how that happens. I also don't know why everyone immediately starts coughing and spreading disease as soon as they board. Where is my bubble?

i've become addicted to a word game on facebook and that's all i want to do with my non-work days. I've achieved first place status amongst my friends but that still isn't good enough.

i tried to write lyrics on the plane. In the dark. After 2 bloody mary's. I think I got at least 2 verses out of it.

i wonder how many missed connections happened on this arriving flight.

maybe if i tried to fall in love i would.
running over new tracks that i've seen before,
it's like someone keeps hitting the reset button,
but i get to start off at the beginning with the experience points from the previous game,
and i try to concentrate and not make the same mistakes,
and that one part where we run as fast as we can in the middle of the night down the emptiest street with cold air burning our lungs is still my favorite part of the game.

going to l.a. tomorrow.
i'm gonna miss you kid.
who the fuck am i talking to, huh?

lou reed already wrote the song i'd sing at our wedding when i was the wedding singer and no one minded that you danced with whoever cuz they knew, they just knew we'd never break the chain and it was just natural that i'd become the wedding singer since you fell in love with my voice before you fell in love with me.
(i like how you wear everything so well. I shed too much skin right off the bat but i told you, and you better believe i will paint a portrait of you someday.)

we all love each other.
we all love our flaws.
we all support each other.
we all are killing ourselves.
we all could do so much better.
we all collect t-shirt orders at 9a.m.
we all drink till 4a.m.
we all are chicago.
we can't let the universe down.
we all are professional.
we all are family.
we all have fixations on at least one other person here.
we all agree,
work has never been this fun.
it's like gradeschool, in the best of ways, but with drunken sex!

The key events, backwards;

wake up on hardwood kitchen floor and walk across the park aka middle earth at 10 a.m.,
watch an airmattress fill up while you promise yourself you wont engage in any inappropriate contact with your co-worker,
engage in thumbwrestling match with coworker which spills into the kitchen and results in contortions on the floor in front of a jenga session,
near blinded, but with your good eye, read trivia pursuit questions which you immediately forget the answer to after reading the question which you also immediately forget,
attempt to wake up your room-mate who's been passed out in someone's car for 2 hours,
leave the bowling alley party in a strange car with a few people piled on your lap, drink irish car bombs/blue moon/jameson on the rocks/kamakazi shot times 50, perfect spin shot bowling technique, pig out with coworkers at buffet, meet ceo of the company, flirt with coworker, drink a beer outside while smoking, decide to start slow, take cab to house of blues,
don't shave.

it amuses me when people ask me if i'm coming back "home." like i have any reason to go back to the desert. It's snowing here. I trudge through the snow every morning to work. I love it. I work with a bunch of weirdos and losers and some of the most beautiful women i've ever seen. I ride the train and hope it derails so I can say I survived a train derailing. I'm lonely but I don't even care. It's enough just to keep the romance in my head. I can't even imagine dating her. I think it would be very unhealthy. I have too many feelings. You have too many feelings. We're better off dating robots and ultimately cheating on them together. I wanna be your secret alley fuck. Nothing more.
but i'm a liar and really want to marry you.
*
oh well.
you get one life to wreck your own way.